I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
