I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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