saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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