dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
