just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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