I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
