After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
