Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
