He kissed a someone with a penis
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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