I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
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