you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
