Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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