He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
