It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Randomize
