It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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