I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
