What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
