I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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