my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
