Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
