she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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