Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
