I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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