I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
