My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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