seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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