Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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