I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I think i got beer on your cat.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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