Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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