Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
