and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
