Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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