His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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