The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
