id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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