My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
