I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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