I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
