I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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