I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
