So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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