Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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