She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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