The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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