I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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