I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
