im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
