If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
