Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
