I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
